“You're supposed to pretend you can't!” Jack exclaimed, suddenly moving his bowl of Froot Loops behind his back protectively.
“You lost the bet, Babe,” the younger man reminded.
“You cheated!” the older man accused.
“I did not!”
“Did, too!”
“How?” Daniel challenged.
“I don't know, but you must have, or I would have won,” Jack answered defensively.
“How could I have cheated?” Daniel asked incredulously, his eyes widening at the accusation. “You said I couldn't be quiet; well, actually, your exact words were, 'Daniel, I don't think you could shut up for more than ten minutes'.” He smiled and added, “I bet you that I could 'shut up' longer than you could.”
“It wasn't fair,” Jack whined like a two-year-old child.
“Would you like me to replay the audio?” Daniel dared, walking over to the tape recorder they'd used to record the session.
“You're breakin' me heart, Danny,” Jack spoke. Trying a new tack, he said in his most charming Irish brogue. “You dinna want to hurt your lover boy, do ya now?”
“Not gonna work, Babe,” Daniel responded, shaking his head. “Should I go for the replay?”
“That won't be necessary,” Jack groaned quietly, letting out a sigh.
The bet had lasted only thirty-five minutes before Jack had forgotten himself and whined about being hungry. He'd already opened his mouth and muttered 'Piz...' for 'pizza' when he had seen his lover's victorious smirk. As a result, Jack had lost the right to eat his Froot Loops for one week. Had Daniel lost, he would have had to give up Twinkies, his favorite junk food item. Fortunately, he'd won the bet and currently stood in front of his soulmate with a half-eaten Twinkie in hand.
“Danny ...”
“Jack, we made a bet. Now, if you'd prefer me to choose an alternate means for you to pay up, I will, but, trust me, you won't like it. I'm thinking ... sofa,” Daniel threatened.
“You drive a hard bargain, Danny,” Jack sighed as he turned around, emptied his bowl back into the box, and then replaced it on the shelf.
“I'll ... take that,” Daniel said, moving around his lover and retrieving the box. “Let's just say I'm taking precautions.”
“There's just no trust in this world anymore.”
“Jack, I'm the one who just caught you with a bowl of Froot Loops,” Daniel reminded sternly.
Jack growled, then said, “I'm going to take a cold shower before we go to the Mountain.”
~A cold shower?~ Daniel thought, grimacing. Turning around and catching the sight of his soulmate's rear end just as he moved to go up the stairs, he called out, “Over cereal?” Sighing, he shook his head in disbelief. ~I don't even want to think about what that means.~
====
“SG-1, you have a go,” Hammond spoke upon entering the gate room. Sam and Teal'c were conducting a final check of their weaponry, and Jack was adjusting the straps on Daniel's pack. “Be careful on this one, Jack.”
“Piece of cake, General,” Jack replied confidently.
“Teal'c, are you sure about this intel?” the general questioned one last time.
“Master Bra'tac has assured me of K'lum's allegiance,” Teal'c stated.
Daniel saw the look on Jack's face and communicated, **Jack, you better not be about to make another joke about K'lum's name.**
**But, Danny ...** the older man protested.
The archaeologist shook his head adamantly. They'd already had quips about K'lum being glum and his information being plum. He couldn't stand another instance of Jack's wit.
“So, we'll Gate to P3K-152 and meet up with K'lum, right?” Daniel quizzed.
“That is correct DanielJackson. K'lum will lead us to the rings that will take us to the mother ship,” Teal'c spoke.
“From there, we can set the C-4, steal ...” Sam began.
“Appropriate,” Jack corrected his second-in-command with a nod and raised eyebrows.
Sam smiled, saying, “... appropriate the cloaking device and then ring back to the planet.”
“What if we're out of range by then?” Daniel asked. Seeing the stares of his teammates and General Hammond, he added, “I'm just asking.”
“We're on a time schedule,” Jack finally responded. “Yu's suppose to hang around for a while, right?” Not getting a response, Jack questioned pointedly, “T?”
“If K'lum was successful, Yu will be waiting for two other System Lords. He will wait for several days before realizing he has been deceived. If allied, their joint fleets would be strong enough to take control of this part of the galaxy and possibly launch an attack against Earth,” the Jaffa intoned.
“Okay then. We're in and out in a flash,” Jack said just as the Stargate engaged. “Move out,” he ordered, giving a nod to Hammond before heading up the ramp.
====
“Sergeant, any word from SG-1?” Hammond asked as he entered the control room.
“No, Sir, and they're thirty minutes overdue,” Sergeant Walter Davis answered from his seat at the console.
Hammond sighed as he stared out at the large circular ring that sat dormant; then he ordered, “Have SG-3 standing by. If we don't hear from them ...”
Suddenly, the Stargate began to light up, interrupting the general's orders. Everyone waited for the dialing sequence to conclude, the klaxons blaring their loud warning of an off-world activation.
“It's SG-1's IDC, General,” Davis informed.
“Open the iris,” Hammond ordered as he headed out of the control room and went down to the gate room, wanting to make sure his flagship team was okay. Walking in, he stopped, stunned. He looked all around, then back in front of him. He would have thought the worst had happened except the demeanor of the people standing in front of him belied that possibility. “Major Carter, where is Colonel O'Neill?”
“Uh, Sir, we ran into a little problem,” Sam answered.
“K'lum didn't quite do what he promised, Sir,” Daniel interjected.
“Doctor Jackson, *where* is Colonel O'Neill?” Hammond repeated.
“Say something,” Daniel whispered, earning him an odd look from the bald-headed commander of the SGC. Finally, Daniel swatted the air next to him, ordering, “Talk!”
“Ouch! That hurt!”
“Colonel?” the major general asked as he continued to look around the three members of SG-1.
“It seems I'm invisible, General,” Jack spoke in an amazingly chipper tone.
“I don't understand,” Hammond responded.
“I thought I was making myself perfectly clear, Sir,” Jack replied, chuckling and obviously waiting for everyone to laugh right along with him. When no such laughing transpired, he shrugged, which, of course, no one could see. “Actually, it's my imitation of Daniel, Sir. You remember, General, when he went out of phase.”
“Briefing room -- ten minutes,” Hammond ordered curtly as he turned and walked out, feeling totally confused and frustrated by the last couple of minutes.
====
“Major Carter, a moment,” Hammond said at the end of the briefing.
“Sir?” Sam called out, walking to the general as he stood at the head of the conference table.
With everyone else now out of the room, the general ordered, “Major, I want you to give this top priority.”
“Of course, Sir.”
“*Top* priority, Major. The last thing we need is Colonel O'Neill running around the base like a five-year-old child.”
“I was thinking more like seven, Sir. I was actually pretty calm at five,” an invisible Jack interjected.
“Colonel!” Hammond barked, looking all around the room. ~What am I looking for?~ “Major?”
“Understood, General,” Sam responded, watching as Hammond walked away. Turning and looking in the direction of the voice, she requested, “Colonel, if you'll come with me, we'll go to my lab and do some tests.”
“Tests, mests, Carter, I ...”
Suddenly, the general reappeared, calling out, “And, Major, as of now, Colonel O'Neill is relieved of his duties. *He* will take orders from *you*. Is that understood, Colonel?”
“Aw, shucks, Sir,” Jack whined.
“Colonel!”
“Yes, Sir,” Jack sighed. “Tests: I love tests. Lead the way, Major.”
====
“Daniel, is he in here?” Sam asked, walking purposefully all around the archaeologist's office, her arms waving about.
“Who?” Daniel asked distractedly, his nose buried in paperwork.
“Who?” Sam echoed in disbelief. “The colonel. We were in the infirmary, doing some tests, and he disappeared.”
“How could you tell?” Daniel laughed.
Sam glared at her friend, who continued to smile, then elaborated, “Janet thought her equipment was malfunctioning until we realized he wasn't even in the room anymore.”
Daniel chuckled some more, imagining the scene.
“Daniel!”
Looking downward in an effort to hide his amusement, Daniel replied, “I'm sorry, Sam. You know Jack. He's ... he's ...”
“A grown-up child?” the major asked, her voice and expression full of exasperation. She swung her arms wildly, letting them slap down against her sides. “The general is ready to court-martial me for not finding a solution, and it's only been six hours. He's driving everyone crazy.”
“Well, he's not here. He was, but I ... uh ... he's not here anymore,” Daniel said, an odd smile on his face.
“Daniel!”
“I kicked him out,” the younger man admitted.
“You didn't?”
“I'm on a deadline, Sam. SG-4 is going back to PR9-019 tonight, and I need to make sure they know what they're getting into. I'm close, but it's going to take me another couple of hours, so I ... I kicked him out,” Daniel repeated.
“How do you know he's really gone?” a suspicious Sam questioned, retracing some of her steps, going more slowly and reaching in other, more restricting places where a man Jack's size might be able to hide.
“I just ... know,” Daniel said, grinning mischievously.
“Oh,” Sam expressed, catching on that the younger man had used some kind of sexual threat to get his lover to follow through with his request.
“You might try the gym,” the archaeologist suggested. “He mentioned something about shadow boxing.”
“Great,” Sam sighed, turning and leaving her friend's office.
====
“Colonel, if you don't sit still, now, I'll make sure you can't sit for a week,” Janet threatened, a needle in her hand.
The two were in one of the small examining rooms. Janet had already completed several tests, and Sam had conducted some other types of tests, too, in her lab. Now, the Chief of Medicine at the SGC wanted another blood sample, but the colonel was playing hard to get.
“Always with the threats,” the colonel whined, evading the redheaded doctor's reach. He saw her hand was poised to draw more blood from his system. “You didn't have so much luck last time.”
“That's because you won't sit still for more than ten seconds. Have you ever tried to draw blood from a vein you can't see?” the doctor inquired. “I challenge *you*, Colonel, to do your job when you can't see the enemy! I'm doing the best I can, and you'd better do yours!” a slightly frazzled Janet ordered.
Jack, however, wasn't anxious to go through the 'pick a spot, poke, and hope for the best' game, especially since playing Hide-and-Seek was more fun.
“Catch me, if you can,” Jack teased, tossing a bag of IV solution up into the air to indicate where he was, then putting it back down on a cart.
“Colonel O'Neill!” Janet called out. She walked around the room, her eyes darting for any sign of movement. “Colonel?” More slowly, she turned around, then exclaimed, “Colonel O'Neill!”
“Gotcha!” Jack exclaimed, having just pinched Janet's buttocks. “Nicely proportioned there, Doc!”
Janet's eyes grew wide and intense, and her glare deepened as she moved toward the voice.
“Doc, calm down. It was just a little joke,” Jack claimed lightheartedly.
Janet smiled, saying, “I am calm, Colonel.” She looked out the room's only door and ordered, “Casey, lock this door, and do *not* open it until *I* and only *I* say so.”
“Doctor?”
“Do it!” Janet ordered nurse Casey Hemmings.
“Yes, Ma'am,” Casey said, closing the door and locking it.
“That wasn't kosher, Doc,” Jack claimed.
“I don't play kosher, Jack,” Janet replied, a wide grin on her face. “Your butt is mine, and it isn't going to be pleasant.”
“Doc, you can't draw blood from my butt,” Jack refuted as he tried to evade the roaming physician.
Janet cackled wildly, enjoying being the hunter instead of the prey, and said, “Remember that the next time you decide to pinch me.”
“Doc, it was a compliment!” Jack claimed anxiously, accidentally knocking over a stack of linens.
“Colonel, we can do this the hard way or the harder way. Unzip, pull down, and bend over -- NOW!”
“You're a mean one, Doctor Fraiser.”
“Just call me the Grinch,” Janet said, arriving at Jack's location and patting his rear end. “Nice and firm; good piece of meat,” she said.
“Oh, come on, Doc, just ... AHHHHOOOOOOOOOUCH!”
--
“What's going on in there?” Nurse Marie Hill inquired, seeing Casey standing guard.
“Doctor Fraiser is examining Colonel O'Neill. He's losing,” Casey spoke.
“Doesn't everyone when they go against the doctor's orders?” Marie snickered as she walked away.
====
“Okay, Sir, I think I know what's going on,” Sam began. “Just let me review these tests.”
Sam paused to study the readings, then she began a detailed explanation. She and Jack were in her lab. Jack had willingly fled to the major's work area after having survived Janet's painful revenge, though, silently, he was vowing more payback later on.
The astrophysicist nodded eagerly, knowing she'd discovered something. She continued her explanation, explaining the tests she'd done, comparing them to what Janet had learned, and combining all of that with the events of their mission.
As she stood on the other side of her worktable from where Jack was supposedly seated, Sam concluded, “So, essentially, what I think happened is that you were bombarded by the particle field being emanated by the cloaking generator.” She began to walk around the table. “See, you were in the engine room standing right next to it when the device was turned on. That would account for the minute traces of radiation we've been picking up from you; but the good news is,” she hopped onto the chair opposite the colonel's, “I think I've found a way to reverse the process.”
At that moment, Daniel entered the doorway of the lab and stopped, suspicious of what he was seeing. With his hands in his pockets, he leaned against the frame just as Sam was finishing her comments.
“We have to go back to the mother ship and get the cloaking generator,” the major concluded.
“Sam, who are you talking to?” Daniel asked.
Gesturing to the chair in front of her, the blonde looked over her shoulder and answered brightly, “Oh, Colonel O'Neill. I was just explaining to him how we're going to make him visible again.”
“No, you're not,” Daniel stated, bowing his head as he walked forward. When he reached the chair opposite Sam, he looked at her and began, “Jack's in, uh ...” He paused, waving his arm over the empty seat to demonstrate that no one else was there. “... Hammond's office,” he concluded and sat down in the chair.
Sam raised her arm and slapped it back down on her lap in frustration and spoke, “I can't believe he did that to me again!”
Speaking rapidly, the archaeologist said, “Yeah. You know, getting the cloaking generator off that mother ship, that's going to be the least of our problems. Now, getting Jack to *help* ... that's gonna be the hard part.”
“Oh, don't tell me,” Sam said with dread.
“Oh, yes. He *likes* being invisible,” Daniel revealed.
Sam groaned, “He's going to make our lives miserable.”
“It's his inner child; it's taken over,” the archaeologist theorized.
Leaning forward, Sam stated, “Daniel, you *have* to convince him, and I know you're the one to do it.”
“I'm trying, Sam. Do you think *I* want him to stay invisible? It ... puts me at a distinct ... disadvantage in ... in a lot of ways,” Daniel said, smiling shyly.
“Let's just ... stop there,” Sam requested, leaning back and waving her hands in front of her. “But you do need to do something. Daniel, the colonel's inner child is a nightmare.”
Nodding, his lips pursed in a nervous smile, Daniel stood up and exited the office, wondering how he could convince his lover to return to the adult world.
====
Daniel made his way to the bathroom, humming an old tune and shedding his clothes as he went. It had been a long day. Just as he stepped into the shower, enjoying the heat of the water, he felt a hand ghosting up his back. It massaged around to his front, over his belly and down.
“Oh,” Daniel murmured at the exquisite sensations, bracing his hands against the wall; he knew that touch anywhere, invisible or not. “JACK, STOP THAT!” he ordered as he came to his senses, batting Jack’s invisible hands away.
“I thought you liked it when I ... you know ... in the shower,” Jack answered seductively.
“What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the Mountain. The general thinks you're in one of the VIP rooms; as did I until just now,” Daniel reprimanded.
“So does everyone else,” Jack chuckled. With an Irish accent, he added, “That's the beauty of me plan, me Darlin' boy.”
“Jack, don't 'Darlin' me,” Daniel replied strongly.
“But ya love me Irish tune,” Jack responded confidently, still speaking with a wee hint of the Irish brogue in his voice.
Daniel groaned and shook his head, making Jack chuckle.
The younger man began to wonder just how Jack had managed to get home without him realizing he was in the car.
~I guess he can stay quiet when he wants to,~ Daniel thought. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment as he realized that Jack had witnessed his impromptu singing while he drove, something he only ever did when he was alone. “Jack, let me get something straight here.”
“Oh, yeah,” Jack agreed, grinning wickedly to himself.
“Jack! We’re all trying to fix this ... problem, so, please, let’s concentrate on the job in hand,” Daniel admonished sternly.
“Which is ...” Jack prompted, placing his hands back on Daniel’s hips, his inventive mind working on the job he'd really like in hand.
“That you can't stay invisible,” the younger man reminded. “You do realize that? I mean, it's just not ... uh ... oh, gaaaaaawd!”
====
The next morning, Daniel was driving to work, confident Jack was in the vehicle. After all, he'd heard him say “Let's go, Dannyboy,” right before closing the door of the Silver Fox. He began reviewing the itinerary for the day, especially the briefing he was conducting just after lunch.
“So, I think that the key is in the relationship of the curve to the parallel line. If I can just determine how the two work together, come up with a language, then we'd have a real shot at ...”
Daniel paused. He'd been talking for fifteen minutes, fifteen long, technical, prattling minutes, but all he'd heard was his own voice. There had been no snorts, yawns, or vocal responses of any kind.
“Jack?” Daniel called, glancing over at the passenger seat for a moment before refocusing on the road and the yellow Toyota in front of him. “Jack, talk to me,” he pleaded. With a sigh of resignation, he pulled over to the side of the road and reached out, feeling all around the passenger seat. “Crap!” he exclaimed, realizing there was no sign of his soulmate. He hung his head for a moment as he shook it in disbelief. ~Boy, is he gonna get it from the general, if he doesn't get back to the base.~
The archaeologist just knew Jack was up to something; he didn't know what, but either way, Daniel didn't think he could do anything to stop it.
Daniel considered returning to the home they shared, but, ~No,~ he decided. ~Jack can just get in trouble all by himself this time.~
====
“You sure you don't mind, Andy?” Jack spoke over the phone.
“Not as long as you take good care of her, Jack. I can drop her by ...”
“No, no, that won't be necessary. I have a couple of errands to run and then I'll come by and get her. You still leave a key in the planter?” the excited colonel asked.
“Two inches down, even with the sheriff's badge emblem,” Andy informed.
“I'll have her back by noon; she's gonna have a great time,” Jack stated.
“I wouldn't let anyone else take her, Jack, but Xena loves you,” Andy stated.
“And I love her,” Jack replied emphatically.
“Poker Saturday?”
“I might be out of town on business. I'll have to get back to you on that,” the colonel responded.
“Later, Jack.”
Jack hung up the phone, whistling as he made his way outside and climbed into his truck.
~This is gonna be fun,~ Jack thought, practically bouncing in his seat.
====
Making sure the coast was clear, Jack drove up to Andy's house, took out the spare key, and entered, going directly outside to the backyard.
“Xena!”
The dog turned in his general direction and let out a cross between a growl and a whine, her head tilting sideways in confusion.
“It's me, Xena -- your old pal, Jack. Here, have a biscuit,” Jack said, taking out Xena's favorite brand of treats and holding it out for her.
Xena made a move to go forward, then backed up, then moved forward again. Her uncertainty was clear.
“Oh, for crying out loud, if you don't want it, then I'm gonna eat it,” Jack said, taking a bite off the end of the biscuit.
“Arf!” the dog objected.
“Well, come and get it!” the colonel invited boisterously.
Obediently, Xena ran forward, grabbed the treat, and devoured it quickly.
“Now, do you believe it's me?”
“Arf!” the happy Australian Shepherd dog answered, wagging her tail as Jack petted her.
“We're going on a little adventure, Xena. Ready for a ride?” Jack asked.
“Arf, arf!” Xena answered.
“Let's go.”
====
“This is perfect, Xena,” Jack expressed excitedly. He'd picked a quiet time to arrive at the Mountain; the early shifts having already arrived for work. As such, he knew the guards would most likely be inside the small gate building or in front, awaiting people leaving the government area. Sure enough, he was right. One guard was inside, and the other was outside, facing the entrance to the underground facility. “Okay, do this right, and I'll treat you to a sirloin steak lunch.”
After pulling forward, Jack stopped his truck outside the small gatehouse and quickly slipped into the passenger seat, Xena climbing over him into the driver's spot.
“Paws up,” Jack whispered, situating the dog's paws on the steering wheel. “Okay, Xena, let's get their attention.”
Jack pressed down on his horn several times, waiting for the guards to react.
“Okay, Mac, I hear you,” the airman called from inside the building.
The other guard turned at the sound of the horn and walked around the front of the security building. He stared at the truck in disbelief, looking over at the other guard, who had just walked outside to log in whomever the visitor was.
The airman walked over to the Ford truck, making his way round to the driver's door
~I must be seeing things,~ the airman thought as he looked to the front and then to the back, seeing nothing but a dog. “Colonel O'Neill?” the stunned guard questioned, having recognized the vehicle. He looked over at the other guard and asked, “Where's the colonel?”
The other guard just shrugged thinking, ~I don't want any part of this report.~ He slowly backed away to the relative sanctity of the other side of building, getting as far away from the scene as he could without fear of being reprimanded by being away from his post. ~This is just too weird, even for the SGC.~
“What the heck is going on?” the airman questioned quietly to himself, scratching his head in disbelief.
“Airman!” Jack yelled, moving his head right next to Xena's and using his most authoritative tone.
“Uh, Sir?” the airman said nervously, taking a step back from the truck, quickly scanning the area again for any sign of Colonel O’Neill. He turned back to the panting dog who chose that moment to turn and look at him. “Sir?”
“What the heck is wrong with you, Airman?” Jack reprimanded. “I'm late for a meeting with General Hammond. Sign me in now!”
At that moment, Xena volunteered an “Arf”, adding to the import of Jack's words and causing the airman to back up another step.
“But, uh ...” The guard closed his eyes and opened them again, hoping this strange apparition would be gone. ~No such luck.~
“But, uh, *what*?” Jack echoed.
“You're a ... uh ... you're a dog ... Ssss...Sir,” the airman stammered, barely believing his own words.
“I'm a what?” Jack barked, desperately trying to keep a laugh from erupting. “Do I look like a dog, Airman?”
“Well, yes, you do, Colonel,” the airman answered tentatively.
“Airman, have you been drinking on duty?”
“Uh, no, Sir.”
“Drugs?” Jack quizzed sternly.
“No, Sir!”
“Any history of hallucinations in the family?” Jack asked forcefully, making sure he threw in a hint of impatience. Seeing the airman’s blank expression and slack jaw, he went in for the kill. “Airman, TEN HUT!” he bellowed, causing the guard to immediately snap to attention. ~Works even when I'm a dog. How about that!~ he thought.
“No ... uh ...” the airman's words had trailed off after being order to his current stance.
“I want you to phone Sergeant Walter Davis and ensure there are plenty of dog treats and a big juicy bone waiting for me at this morning’s meeting. Got that, Airman?” Jack ordered.
“Uh, yes ... Sir. Davis, treats, bone, meeting,” the airman repeated in a daze. ~I’m losing my mind.~ he thought, convinced he needed to be turned over to mental health.
~Perfect,~ Jack thought, chuckling to himself. “Phone Doctor Daniel Jackson, too. Tell him that the help he offered would be good, and I need him to keep looking for that blue statue with the weird hairdo. Oh, and tell him under no circumstances will I change my mind on him getting a new desk.”
“Uh, yes, Sir. Doctor Jackson, good, looking, blue ... uh ... do, under, desk.”
~Oh, yeah!~ Jack thought, barely managing to suppress a full out belly laugh. “*Now*, Airman. That’s an order!”
~Now for the hard part.~ Hoping that his little prank wouldn't end up with him wrecking his truck, Jack bent down, released the brake, and let the truck roll gently forward. As soon as they'd cleared the gate, he said, “Scoot over, Xena,” changing places with the dog again.
The airman watched, unsure what to do. Although convinced he was about to end up in the care of Doctor MacKenzie, he followed his orders and then reluctantly dialed his supervisor to report the occurrence. He frowned, immediately regretting the action on hearing the harsh, doubting voice of his superior ordering him to the infirmary as soon as other personnel showed up to replace him.
====
“Okay, Xena, hop into my lap,” Jack instructed about thirty minutes later. He'd hidden out in a corner of the parking area and was now ready to make their escape. With the canine positioned as well as he could, the colonel drove by the new security guard who was outside, stopping for a brief moment and saying, “Colonel O’Neill, checking out.”
Jack drove off, not waiting for confirmation, laughing as he gently helped Xena back into the passenger seat. As soon as they were clear, he pulled over and made sure she was secure in a dog seatbelt before heading for her home.
“One sirloin steak headed your way,” Jack stated, getting a sloppy kiss in return.
“That's my neck,” Jack laughed. “Close!”
====
“Hello,” Daniel answered the phone in his office sometime later.
“Daniel,” Jack stated.
“Jack, where in Netu are you?” the exasperated archaeologist asked. “The general’s been asking about you all morning.”
“I need you to take a little walk, Daniel, just outside the Mountain's security gate and down a few yards,” the colonel requested. “Oh, and don't let them see you leave.”
“Right,” Daniel agreed, knowing it was useless to question why. Rolling his eyes and without saying another word, he hung up the phone, muttering all the way down the corridor, up the elevators, and covertly past the security gate. Emerging from the cover of the trees, he groaned, seeing the truck. “Jack?”
“Right here,” Jack said, waving a pen to indicate his presence inside the vehicle.
Climbing into the driver’s seat beside his lover, or was that child, Daniel informed, “Jack, Airman O'Dell almost had to undergo a psychiatric review, thanks to your little prank.”
“You gotta admit, it was a classic, Danny,” Jack responded proudly.
“Sergeant Davis got a verbal reprimand for asking General Hammond to sign a requisition for dog biscuits.”
“You mean, O'Dell actually phoned?” Jack questioned, slightly surprised, but completely amused by the news.
“Well, I got a pretty strange call, too, Jack -- something about me being good looking and doing it under the desk. Would you happen to know anything about that?” Daniel quizzed, his eyes wide as he looked in the direction where he assumed his lover's face was.
Jack began to whistle and looked anywhere but at Daniel, though inwardly he chuckled at how his message had been twisted and miscommunicated.
“I thought so,” Daniel surmised. “So, how'd you do it?” he asked curiously as he started the truck and headed to the SGC.
“Imagination,” Jack answered cryptically.
“Whose dog was it?” the archaeologist inquired.
“It was Xena.”
“Andy's dog?” Daniel asked in surprise, staring over at his lover, though he could see nothing but the fidgeting of the fountain pen. “Jack ... the sheriff's department? Oh, gawd.”
The couple arrived at the security gate, and Daniel groaned, seeing that the poor airman Jack had tormented not too long ago was back on duty.
“Doctor Jackson?” Airman O'Dell asked.
“Uh, yes,” Daniel replied as he shot Jack a glare. He didn't want to add to the airman's confusion, but neither he want to be the one to tell the airman the truth. **Be quiet, Jack.**
“In Colonel O'Neill's truck?” O'Dell inquired.
“You know I drive it, occasionally.”
“But ... you arrived this morning in your own car, Doctor, and ... just a minute,” the airman requested. He returned, holding a chart in his hands. “I don't have a record of you leaving.”
“I guess someone just ... forgot.”
“Yeah, but ...”
Daniel smiled, saying, “Excuse me, but I have a meeting to go to.” He didn't like cutting off the airman, but he didn't have answers for the questions, nor did he want to think about the airman's response when, later that afternoon, he would leave the Mountain in his own car and, should things not change, Jack's 'empty' truck following behind him. ~I'd better warn the general.~
Just as the truck was a few feet in front of the once-again confused guard, Jack leaned out the window, letting out a loud, “Airman, *attention*”
“Jack, stop it!” Daniel screeched out, hitting his lover in the abdomen, or, at least, that's where he hoped he was hitting him. “Gawd,” he expressed, suddenly breaking out into laughter in spite of his desire not to. “You're so bad, Jack.”
“So bad I'm good!” the older man laughed as the truck disappeared inside the Mountain.
====
“Good afternoon,” Daniel greeted one of his colleagues at the Mountain as he and his invisible lover entered the briefing room. Several personnel were attending a meeting to discuss some unique relics and artifacts that had been brought back by SG-11 during a recent off-world dig. It was a small group, some civilian scientists and a few military cultural experts, too. When everyone was seated, he added, “We have a guest today. Colonel O'Neill will be sitting in on the meeting.” ~I'm stuck babysitting him; general's orders.~
The scientists had heard about Jack's invisibility; in fact, a couple of them had worked with Sam on various parts of her tests trying to remedy the situation, but none of them had ever been in the same room with the invisible colonel; that they knew of, anyway.
“Uh, Jack, say something,” Daniel instructed.
“Don't mind me. I'll just assist you here ...”
“Stop erasing my notes!” the archaeologist ordered, having turned in the direction of his lover's voice and seeing him erasing the top left part of the board. “Sit down,” he ordered as forcefully as possible, failing to notice the smirks shared between the scientists at witnessing the famous Jack/Daniel banter.
“I'll just join the group,” Jack said, putting down the eraser and then handing Daniel a black marker. “Continue!”
====
Daniel was well into his presentation, but he knew he needed to capture his staff's attention and wonder. Intentionally, he decided to exaggerate what he was saying in order to show them the possibilities. He hoped they'd open their minds and become more receptive, especially the Air Force officers that seemed especially bored by what he'd said thus far. Besides, he truly did believe there was a lot to be learned from the relics SG-11 had accumulated, especially one specific tablet.
As he continued writing on the near-full board, the linguist stated, “And so by translating this tablet, we should be able to determine the most *important* thing in the universe.”
Just then, a loud snore was heard, followed by a rippling series of snores. Daniel dropped his head, knowing exactly who it was. Meanwhile, the scientists looked around the room in surprise.
Turning around, Daniel sighed and, gesturing around the room, instructed, “Everyone just want to ... poke around; see if you can find him.”
The scientists began to do as requested until finally a gruff, “Ouch! What was that for?” was heard.
“Colonel, you fell asleep,” one scientist whispered.
“I what?”
“Fell asleep,” Daniel repeated in a raised voice. **And if you do that again, you won't be getting a repeat of our shower escapade last night anytime soon.**
**I couldn't help myself. It's a lecture, for crying out loud.**
“So, as I was saying ...” the staff leader said, ignoring his lover's mental rationalizations as they continued on for the next five minutes.
====
“Have a good workout, Sam?” Daniel asked as he entered the gym.
“Yeah,” Sam said, raising a towel to dry her face and neck. “I can't wait to take a shower. See you later.”
“Okay,” Daniel replied. “So ...”
“Shower?” Jack questioned, though it was more of a mumble.
Sam stopped and turned around, asking, “Daniel, is the colonel here?”
“Uh, yeah. Jack?”
“Right here; staying right here, too. Yep, gonna go over here and watch Daniel get all hot and sweaty; not going anywhere, especially not the locker room. Gonna stay *right* here.”
“Right, Sir,” a skeptical-sounding Sam responded.
When the blonde had disappeared from sight, Daniel stated, “So, like I was saying, you missed the best part of the briefing.”
“Tell me *all* about it,” Jack requested. “I'm all ears,” he smirked, delighting in the fact that his soulmate couldn't even see him smirking.
====
Sam was concluding her shower, when she got an odd feeling.
~He wouldn't,~ the naked blonde thought. ~Oh, yes, he would.~ Carefully sticking her head out of the shower, making sure the curtain was still in place, she called out, “Sir? Are you there?”
Sam waited, listening for any sounds or noises other than the falling water of the shower. Just as she was about to back away, her worst fears were confirmed.
“Nope.”
~Inner child, my foot.~ Sam closed her eyes, sighed, and returned to the safety of the shower. “Go away, Sir,” she ordered.
“You're no fun, Carter,” Jack groused.
“I'm not the one you're supposed to have *fun* with, Sir, and if you don't leave now, I'm going to tell that certain someone what you're doing, and then I have a feeling, you won't be having much *fun* for a while.”
Sam waited, listening for a response that didn't come. She hoped her commanding officer was gone. She turned off the shower and was about to get out, when she decided to hedge her bet.
“Colonel?” The major waited some more. ~The threat to tell Daniel must have done it.~ Again, she was about to draw back the curtain when she had another thought. ~But I don't think they keep secrets, anyway. The colonel will tell Daniel on his own. Daniel would be upset ... I think ... I *hope*, but then ... hmmm.~
After contemplating her next move for another minute, Sam suddenly grinned and began speaking, “The experimental setup for the MiniMax experiment consisted of a large array of detectors placed alongside the intersection of the colliding protons and antiprotons. The total energy of the collisions was 1.8 TeV. Charged mesons and photons produced at very small angles relative to the beamline were detected. The goal was to determine the ratio of the number of neutral pions (which decay to two gammas) to the number of charged pions
produced in the very high energy collisions. The tiny region ...”
“I'm going, I'm going,” Jack informed, quickly abandoning his game and carrying a towel out with him, so his second-in-command could see him go.
Sam chuckled, “Thank you, Chapter 18 of 'New People, New Physics'.”
====
“Are you sure he's not here?” Sam asked as she, Daniel, and Teal'c met in the Jaffa's quarters a while later.
“Jack? Jack, I have Mary Steenbergen's latest movie on DVD,” Daniel called out.
“Sir, the MiniMax ...”
“That will not be necessary, MajorCarter,” Teal'c interrupted. Composing himself, he threatened, “O'Neill, if you are here and do not leave immediately, we will go to the gym and box. You will not wear your protective gear. I pledge this on my honor.”
A grumble was heard as well a slam of the door. Sam and Daniel exchanged a look, and then the threesome did a detailed search of the space inside Teal'c's quarters. Positive that Jack had indeed left, they began their pow wow.
“Daniel, he's becoming impossible to handle,” Sam began.
“You're telling me,” Daniel agreed.
“It is our duty to convince O'Neill that he must become visible again,” the Jaffa added.
“The key is the cloaking device. We have to get it,” Sam insisted. “Teal'c, will K'lum be able to help us again?”
Teal'c sighed, “I do not believe so, MajorCarter. He has not been heard from since our last contact.”
“Did you hear what he did in the infirmary?” Sam asked.
“No, what?” the archaeologist asked cautiously.
“He hid all the stethoscopes and then stuffed Janet's desk drawer with cotton balls.”
“Cotton balls?”
Sam nodded, then inquired, “Were you able to calm General Hammond down?”
Daniel sighed, “Do you know how long it's been since a major general in the Air Force found himself glued to his chair?”
“He could be court-martialed,” Sam spoke softly.
“They have to catch him first,” Daniel replied. “The general's had him under guard three times today. It never lasts.”
“What are we going to do?” Sam asked.
“Well, Jack's having a blast being invisible, so we need to think of something to suck the fun out of it, or we'll be stuck with him like this,” Daniel spoke. ~I’ll be stuck with him like this,~ he corrected in his mind.
“I'll talk to Janet; maybe she'll have an idea,” Sam suggested.
“I will talk with O'Neill,” Teal'c added. “Perhaps I can get him to see the light.”
“Good luck,” Daniel stated.
====
Having found Jack, who was sipping a large cup of coffee, Teal'c walked with him down the corridors of the SGC, working hard to convince Jack that it was time to become visible again.
“You cannot remain this way, O'Neill.”
“Why not?” Jack challenged, waving the tall coffee cup in front of him as he talked. “It gives us an advantage over the Goa'uld. I can sneak around all I want, totally undetected. *I* give us the element of surprise. The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.”
The two stopped, Jack taking a sip of his coffee while Teal'c stared in his direction for a few seconds.
“I assume I am staring at you stoically,” the Jaffa stated.
Gesturing with his cup, Jack quipped, “Not buying it, eh?”
“No,” Teal'c answered. “You are most transparent, O'Neill,” he stated as he began to walk onward, Jack following right behind.
“Oh, I get it. Good one,” the colonel praised.
“I can see right through you.”
“Don't push it,” Jack threatened. “And don't knock being invisible until you've tried it.”
“DanielJackson was essentially invisible once. He did not like it,” Teal'c reminded.
“That was different. He couldn't talk to anyone, interact,” Jack pointed out.
“That can be arranged, O'Neill,” Teal'c said, making a sudden left turn into a room and letting the door swing shut, hitting Jack.
“Ow!”
====
“Daniel, is it safe?” Sam asked as she poked her head inside her teammate's office.
“Yeah, he's with Teal'c,” Daniel answered.
“Side effects,” Sam stated cryptically.
“Okay, and that means ...?”
“Janet pointed out that almost everything has a side effect,” Sam clarified. “What we need to do is create a bunch of side effects for the colonel staying invisible.”
Daniel saw the huge smile and sensed there was more.
“That got me thinking,” the blonde continued, hunching over the man's desk and leaning her arms on it. “Sex,” she spoke quietly.
Having just taken a sip of coffee, Daniel immediately sprayed it out over his desk in shock.
“Sex?” the man forced himself to say. Quickly, Daniel put the cup down and asked, “Care to clarify?”
“We tell the colonel that a side effect of prolonged invisibility is the inability to have sex,” Sam stated. “Or, better still, we can just say that when he's invisible, relations aren't possible.”
“Uh, but they are,” Daniel admitted, smiling nervously and blushing.
“They are?”
Daniel nodded, his head bobbing up and down at a frantic pace, and said, “And, uh, quite ... in...incredi...bly.”
“I don't want to know,” Sam said, letting her head drop and closing her eyes. After a moment, she said, “Okay, let's go with the first idea -- prolonged invisibility.”
“Sam ... ” Daniel began, smiling as he purposely trailed off.
Sam got the message; the younger man was not going to be able to hold out on his older partner.
“Will power?” Sam questioned.
Daniel shook his head, saying, “You can't imagine just how ...”
“Okay, well, then, we have to ... make sure temptation is out of the way,” Sam stated. “Any ideas?”
====
“Carter, where's Daniel?” Jack asked, entering the woman's lab.
“Sir, we tried to find you,” Sam answered. ~That’s not a lie. We looked in your office; of course, we knew you wouldn't be there, but we did try to find you ... there.~
“Where is he?”
“PR9-019, with SG-4. They needed some help. Uh, SG-3 tagged along, just in case.”
“Just in *case*?” Jack growled.
“Yes, Sir,” Sam acknowledged. ~Just in case one negative side effect isn't sufficient; Daniel going on potentially dangerous missions without you was our 'just in case'.~ “He'll be back in the morning. Actually, Sir, I'm glad you're here. Janet wanted to talk to you. I'll give her a call,” she said, picking up her phone.
Sam couldn't see her CO steaming, but she could feel the heat of his glare. She felt confident their plan would work.
====
“You want to run that by me again, Doc?” Jack asked as he and Janet sat in a corner of Sam's office.
“We've run a lot of tests, Colonel, and we've discovered the potential for a few side effects: baldness ...”
“Who cares if no one can see you?” Jack questioned sarcastically.
“... an allergic reaction to alcohol, including beer,” Janet continued.
“Doc?” Jack prompted, unconvinced.
“It's the hops, Colonel. I can have Sam explain the chemical ...”
“What else?” Jack questioned.
“... and I'm afraid that prolonged invisibility will inhibit your ability to have intercourse.”
“Excuse me?”
Janet had one shot at this. She had to keep a straight face, and she had to make it sound good. If Jack didn't 'buy' her deception and act upon it immediately, their plan would be shot.
“The radiation from the particle field, coupled with the elongiticle perspective of the testicle and the reaction of the white cell to the plongcore response of the nucleus will cause impotency. It's just a matter of time, and here's the kicker, Sir. If we don't eradicate the pneumiathorpenis affect quickly, it may not be able to be reversed, even if you do eventually become visible again.”
Sam and Janet shared a look. Janet had just said a mouthful of double talk, using made up words and nonsensical sentences, all designed to scare Jack into becoming visible again. Anxiously, they waited.
“Doc?”
“Yes, Colonel?” Janet responded.
“What did you just say?”
Sam sighed, and Janet looked away before stating, “If we don't make you visible again within twenty-four hours, you'll never be able to ... to, uh ... get ... up again, Sir.”
“The word is impotency,” Sam stated, wanting to drive home the word for the colonel. Nonchalantly, she added, “I wonder how Daniel is doing with SG-4?”
“Is that where he is?” Janet asked. Although she'd never been told, Janet had a suspicion that Jack and Daniel were involved. After all, she'd been performing physicals on both of them for years; it was hard to miss. Still, she wasn't asking. It just wasn't a smart subject for an Air Force officer like herself to think about; therefore, she didn't. “I knew he was going off-world for the night.”
“Yeah, they needed his expertise,” Sam stated. Sitting up straighter, she asked, “Janet, have you seen that cute new lieutenant on SG-4 -- Dan Byerman.”
“Yes, he's very nice.”
“And hot,” Sam exclaimed, waving her hand in a fanning motion. “He's single. I understand he likes museums and is an expert in ancient civilizations.”
“Not quite my thing, but he's too young for me, anyway,” Janet lamented.
“He's a civilian, Janet, and I heard he has a thing for ... blue eyes,” Sam commented with a devious smile.
“Blue eyes, eh? That puts you right in the ballpark,” Janet commented.
“I wish, but, the gossip mill says he'd be more interested in, and this is just hypothetical, but someone like ...”
“Oh, I see,” Janet said, picking up on the unspoken word. “Daniel has incredible blue eyes.”
“That's it!” Jack exclaimed, standing up and moving to stand in front of his second-in-command. “Tell me you made that up.”
“Made up what, Sir?” Sam asked, taking a step back, having felt her CO move dangerously close.
Suddenly, Janet laughed, “Colonel, I forgot you were here. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, impotency.”
Jack growled, “How do we get on that friggin' mother ship again?”
“Well, I do have an idea, Sir.”
====
“So ...?” Daniel prodded as soon as he walked through the Stargate and saw Sam waiting for him.
“It's a go. The colonel is gearing up.”
“Already?”
“We're moving out in thirty minutes. You'd better change; I'll fill you in on the way,” Sam said, ushering the archaeologist out of the gate room.
====
With SG-2 guarding the Stargate on P3K-152, Jack ringed aboard the mother ship and rendered the four Jaffa guards, who were protecting the ship's ring room, unconscious. Seconds later, Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c ringed aboard as well, anxiously looking around with their weapons at the ready. Cautiously, they walked towards the door, seeing more knocked-out Jaffa in the corridor.
“Hello?” Jack called out in an annoyed tone from the end of the corridor. “Hand signals -- I'm waving you over,” the still-invisible man said.
Sam shrugged, saying quietly, “We can't work this way.”
“That's why we're here,” Daniel pointed out, leading the way toward the sound of his lover's voice.
As quickly as possible, SG-1 located the cloaking device and removed it. With Jack taking the point, knocking out any Jaffa who happened to be in their path, the team returned to the ring room.
“Jack, are you here?”
“Of course, I am. Hit it!” Back on the planet, Jack quipped, “That was a snap; no sport to it at all.”
“Oh, so being invisible gives you too much of an advantage then,” Daniel surmised.
“Daniel, you can never have too much of an advantage, but it's no fun without the challenge.”
“You liked the armbands,” Sam reminded about the devices the team had worn on their arms the year before that enhanced their natural abilities and strengths.
“Now, see, that *was* an advantage. The other guys still had a chance.”
“Not much of one,” Sam refuted.
“But we could do cool stuff ...”
“Like reading real fast,” Daniel recalled. “That was ... awesome!” he spoke with a touch of exhilaration in his voice.
“Double-time,” Jack ordered out of the blue. “I don't trust them not to try and find us. Let's get back to the Gate.”
====
“Jack, are you here?” Daniel asked from the end of the ramp at the SGC.
“Will you *stop* asking me that,” Jack responded.
“Close the iris,” Sam shouted up at the control room, now that Jack's arrival through the Stargate had been verified.
As SG-1 headed for the locker room, Jack asked, “So, Daniel, about Byerman ...”
“Byerman?” Daniel repeated. “Oh, Dan? He's a nice man.”
“Stop the rhyming,” Jack ordered.
“Okay, well, he's a fan of Chopin, drives a Chevy van, and can crochet a great afghan,” Daniel teased.
“Daniel!” Jack growled.
The archaeologist laughed, “Jack, I barely know him. He's only been here a couple of weeks.”
“Oh, well ... good.”
“Why?” Daniel inquired, still playing along with what Sam had told him that morning.
“No reason,” Jack answered.
Glancing back at Sam for a moment, Daniel added, “I do have a meeting with him this afternoon, though. I'll probably need to spend some extra time, making sure he's doing fine. I assume he’s okay being called Dan. I'll, uh, make a plan.”
Suddenly, Daniel felt his arm being clenched in a firm grip as Jack spoke, “One more rhyme, and you'll be on borrowed time.”
“Okay, Jack,” the younger man laughed as they continued onward. “Let's get you back,” he added, giggling. “Ow!”
====
Jack spun around in the chair he was sitting on in Sam's lab. On the other side of the worktable, the major was doing some final calculations on her computer, making sure the program would work. Daniel was next to her, and Teal'c was standing next to him.
“Okay, I've made the necessary adjustments. All I have to do now is initiate the sequence,” Sam spoke.
Ceasing his spinning, Jack agreed, “Okay. Let's do it.”
Sam inputted the codes on her computer and waited. There was a crackle, the lights went out briefly before going back on, and then the power went out, the room going completely dark as the sound of multiple computer alarms going off filled the room.
“Oh, yeah. This is better,” Jack quipped. “Nice job, Carter.”
“Uh, I must have miscalculated something,” Sam surmised hesitantly.
“Must have,” Daniel responded dryly.
“Without a doubt,” Teal'c added.
“Definitely a tiny glitch,” Jack agreed. “Carter!”
“Just one minute, Sir!” Sam requested, smiling when the emergency power came on.
The phone rang, causing Sam to just stare at it.
“That's Hammond. Better get me back to my loveable old self, Carter, so I can cover for you,” Jack suggested.
“Okay, I think I've got it,” Sam said, ignoring the ringing phone.
“Are you sure?” Jack questioned sternly.
Daniel stared at the ringing phone, wondering if SFs would show up at any second to haul the entire team off to a holding cell.
“Yes, Colonel. I guess you could say I zigged when I should have zagged. I'm confident this will work,” Sam stated.
“Okay, Carter. Let's get on with the show,” Jack bellowed.
Sam inputted the new codes and, again, the team waited.
“Well, the power's still on,” Daniel observed as he looked up at the lights.
“Yes, but I'm still ...” A burst of electrical energy caused Jack to stop talking. He looked down, seeing his body for the first time in almost three days. “... still my charming self,” he declared.
“Uh, Sir, the phone,” Sam reminded, pointing at the phone that was still ringing.
With a smirk, Jack walked to the phone, picked it up, and greeted, “Hello, General ... yes, Sir ... that would be correct ... of course, General ... You know Carter and her doohickeys ... thank you, Sir.”
“Jack?” Daniel questioned when his soulmate hung up the phone.
“He wants to see you,” Jack said, grinning at his second-in-command and then walking out.
“You mean, all of us, don't you, Colonel?” Sam questioned.
With a devious look, Jack looked back from the doorway and shook his head, saying, “Just *you*.”
“Just you,” Daniel repeated softly, taking evasive action to follow Jack out of the lab, as did Teal'c.
“Great. Just great,” Sam bemoaned, looking around her office for a minute before walking out.
====
“The general gave her an entire week off,” Daniel called out in a raised voice, since he was in the shower.
“He didn't want to hear the technobabble explanation,” Jack claimed as he finished shaving, a green towel draped around his waist.
“He was *grateful*. He was about to have you transferred to Area 51 for permanent study,” the archaeologist mused, chuckling afterwards.
“Everyone's a critic,” Jack mumbled.
“Babe, it wouldn't have been so bad, but your inner child had one very big problem when it came to interacting with all of us at the Mountain,” Daniel stated.
“What was that?” an unsuspecting Jack asked.
Though his lover couldn't see it, Daniel was smiling broadly as he answered, “Your inner child was an inner brat!”
“Daniel!” Jack exclaimed, shaking his head at the laughter erupting from his soulmate. “Uh, Angel, at the base, with Carter, I played a little joke on her. I ...”
“The shower?” Daniel called out.
“Yeah. Did Carter tell you?”
“Yes, Jack,” Daniel answered flatly. ~Testosterone,~ he chuckled.
“I was just teasing her,” Jack claimed. “I wouldn't have looked, you know.”
The younger man chuckled, “I know, Babe, but you owe her, and she's determined to get revenge, so you'd better watch your six ... uh, and your three, twelve, two ... uh, everything.”
“Great,” Jack sighed, deciding not to think about it anymore. Letting out another groan, he stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, studying as much of his profile as he could. “Did I gain weight?”
Daniel looked over from the shower and asked, “Babe, do you really want to stare at yourself, or would you rather join me and ... you know?”
Jack dropped the towel and quickly moved into position. He took the soap his lover was holding, sniffing it.
“Ah, Irish Spring.”
“It'll do the job,” Daniel spoke, a glint of lust in his eyes.
“That it will, me Laddie; that it will,” Jack agreed, moving in to kiss his lover passionately.
“You know, I prefer being able to see you, Jack,” Daniel stated seriously. “I've really missed seeing your sexy chest and brown eyes, Babe.”
“Yeah, I suppose it had its disadvantages as well,” Jack agreed. “Although, I think a little payback is in order for Carter and the Doc with their sneaky little plan.”
Daniel giggled, before leaning closer to kiss Jack's sexy chest.
“By the way, Angel, I didn't know you sang in your car,” Jack added with a laugh.
“Jaaack!” Daniel exclaimed, swiping his lover’s rear.
As the water cascaded down their bodies, the couple became one, and Jack and Daniel fell in love all over again.
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